New addiction:
Human - Christina Perri. 





Sometimes in life. don't push a person too far.
I have my limits.
So do you.

A smile may be what you see, but what is hidden is a river of tears threatening to fall. ( I honestly wrote this about a few days back. 
I was like emo and all.. 
But someone saved me from dying in the... emotions.. 
And God, raised me up from the ground.. 
She gave me a chance that I never thought I could have... 

But I'm still gonna post this since its in the drafts, and I've spent close to an hour writing this)



I found myself stuck in this pit. 
Its like a neverending slide down to nothing. 

People say, Don't let anyone have the pen to your story, 
But screw this quote, everybody is trying to conquer other people's story. 
That's the reality and you better just accept it,
If not prepare yourself for a war. 

I found myself lost and stranded in an island of emptiness last year. 
It was terrible. 
I managed to scramble and survive till today.. 
With the help of writing. 

I am always sinking into Kpop crazily at times like these. 
And writing save me. 
I swear, it did. 
For, without writing, the girl typing this wouldn't be alive. 
Literally. 
Or maybe.. 
Well, let's keep it to literally. 

And so, I started this path of fan fics. 
Don't get me wrong, I never, 
I swear, I never drown myself in that fantasy of believes and...well, fantasies. 
It's stupid in my opinion. 

But, I'm doing it now. 
It seems to me, the definition of life changes as a person changes. 
If not, I'll be calling myself stupid. 
(raise eyebrows)

And, as I write every fan-fic, as far as possible, I would lean to inspire every reader. 
I don't really have much experience with love, 
But I have a lot of experience from observation. 

And one thing's for sure, 
Time, will reveal everything if one is patient. 
But still.. as I get drown in my own fantasy to please my reader's fantasy. 
I felt lost again. 
But yet alive. 
I feel alive honestly. 

I wouldn't say this is an escape from reality. 
It isn't. I'm still clear-headed of my responsibilities. 
But.. right now, I feel like I'm dying. 
Because all this while, I took the pen to write other's story.. 
I fail to write mine. 

I took a break to have a breather and think through stuff. 

In my country.. 
We're bounded by expectation and rules. 
Actually, that's the reality. 

And, screw that. 
The truth about every teenager and kid out there.. 
is we really hate when we're being asked about studies. 

(exception.. for well.. minority)  

School can be a chore, can be enjoyable. 
I saw this yesterday on my friend's instagram. 

" There will always be this kid in school with a full set of colour pencils, and this kid in school with only four colour pencils, short and blunt" 


This... is applicable to everyone. 
Whether you are that kid with that full set of colour pencils, 
Or that kid with only four. 
This, is school. 
This, is the working life, 
This is... life. 

If you understand that quote, understand that kids these days, are not only aware of the importance of exams, but burden by it. 
Kids these days are not only aware of the importance of every step to their future, but burden by each step. 


These "Eight months of holidays" I found myself be strapped to tons of responsibilities. 
A supposed break, seems to be an excuse for everyone to throw stuff at me, just cause i have that supposed free time. 
Even if, I am being claimed to be slacking last year, I believe I deserve the rest.. 
And not become everyone's supposed rubbish chute. 
And, I'm tired of being all smiles to these people. 
Hell, I have a life of my own. 
If I plan to spend the next eight months pleasing my readers with my fanfics, that's my life. 
If I plan to keep silent for the next eight months, you better start worrying. 


I will first make a bold comment, 
Last year, was a tough year. 
But,.. even in people's eyes I seemed to be slacking.. 
I swear, that was my best. 
I have never worked so hard.. so so so so hard.. until I couldn't breathe. 
I have never cried so much in a year (for other reasons too... but still) 
I have never.. been so affected by everything.. 
I don't really care what people are going to say anymore. 
Even if I can't make it to anywhere, 
I'm telling you now, I don't care what you're saying. 
I'm proud of myself. 
I 'm proud of me. 
I managed to scramble through alive last year, 
And, even if I don't make it anywhere, at least I'm alive. 
At the very least, 
That reason should suffice for a reason to celebrate on the day of results. 
I don't dare to think, and I shan't. 



The definition of life has been pondering in my head for as long as ten years. 
Ever since I found the path of thinking.. 
And ever since I learnt about the world. 


You see... 
People are judgmental. 
This is innate. 
This is inborn. 

It's a natural way for humans to judge, because this is categorizing people, things, events.. and as a mistake to learn from the past, as a clearer reference for the future, or basically, to strike conversations and interact with one another. 

As an example, 
When you see a lady with a huge belly, if one doesn't judge and claim her to be pregnant, you wouldn't have given up your seat. 
And... of course, one's judgement may be flawed, because who know those are just adipose tissue. 

But, you get the idea, 
We can't get out of judging people. 
So.. what can we do? 
We can only listen to what we want to listen.

The older generation claims this rebellious. 
In my opinion, as long one is open-minded and does critical thinking of their actions, this is benefiting them. 

If Martin Luther King never dream of ending racism, where are we today? 
If there isn't civil right's movement.. seriously, this world would be where it is now. 

People, with the freedom to express, tends to overuse and misuse them. 
Internet used to connect, is not an extra platform to bully and criticise people. 
Let's just go with classic. 
Kpop stars. 
This has been burning inside me for so long. 
Like I had always said, I'm not a blind follower. 
I find stuff that makes them worthy to be called my bias. 
And.. look, I don't care if they are plastic. 
Do your research before talking to me, there are thousands of people out there with natural beauty. I can already come up with twenty people in this minute. 
Why.. do people focus on their flaws and not their talent? 

Just like this world.. 
Why do we focus on the number of subjects the kid failed and not how many he scored As for it? 
WHY, do you focus on how slack your kids are, and not pondering about what's bothering them?

I have made many international friends in these two months. 
The chances I've got to meet them is amazing. 
Internet friends, many people say is fake.. 
You can't trust them. 
True that. 
You can't just trust a person typing before the screen  to be your best pal. 
You can't just trust anyone walking down the streets. 
But... that doesn't mean anything. 
That's just generalising. 

And.. I found myself happier, seriously.. than I had ever been in the past one year. 
I have never smiled this much... genuine smiles that is. 
I have never gone to bed feeling happy. 

And,.. I came to realise what's important in life, is not blindly chasing and paving path for a supposed beautiful future, but realising what's important at the present. 

People may ask me, what am I gonna do when I've graduated. 
I don't know. 
I leave that to God. 
Because, thus far, her plans have never fail to surprise me.. 
And her blessings and my ever gratefulness to her plans are my plans for the future. 


And.. right now.. 
I have understood, after two days of thinking. 
What I want.. 
I will.. at all cost, avoid anything that put me down. 
I think its important for a person to always think of their good side, more of focusing their bad sides. 
The truth is, most people feel even more insecure of their flaws, instead of positively improving themselves. 

get this in you, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, PERFECT, AND AMAZING. 
That's your line to say everyday. 
That's it. 

OF course, if your flaw is immoral..hurting people.. 
Please.. change >.< 


But as always, love yourself. 
Don't be put down by others. 
No one should be holding the pen to your story. 

When you feel nothing beside you
Nothing, in your heart, that's when fear will creep in.

The fear for the absence of something, the fear for the lack of presence of something.

Isn't it foolish to paralyse yourself in Nothing?
Human nature perhaps.
Human nature.

I ran away.
I ran as far as I could before.
Funny, the path I ran was away from you, and yet, today I realised that path leads back to you.

A joke. A joke it must be.

What goes into the minds of strong people?
When you're at an intersection and there's four path you can take.

Only, all four path leads back to the same spot.
Back to you.

Only varying length and difficulty.

I won't run anymore.
I'll walk to you.

I promise.

The wind howled.
I stirred my coffee and stared at it.
A solemn white line forms behind the spoon as it moves.
It reminded me of you.
In that pool of brown, you were that white line that followed me.
And as the warmth slowly loses to the surrounding, it was just like how things were between you and me.
It wasn't intentional, like how coffee burnt your tongue unintentionally.
It wasn't on purpose, I had to emphasise yet again.
But, there after the burnt leaves a scar, a mark, a pain to remember.
That's when the word 'Sorry' gets overused and is practically useless.

They say, Time Forgets.
I say, they are liars.
It was perhaps delusional of me to start the journey first.
Thinking of positive thoughts, happy dreams and fairytale endings.
If I hadn't, nothing would have hurt now.
As they always say, Expectations comes disappointment.
I have yet to prove that wrong.

Sometimes, I wish I could turn back time, maybe it'll be better.
Who am I kidding?
It may still be the same.
I wonder, all the time, what went wrong.
It settles to: I'm not strong enough for you.
Right now, I don't even have the courage to pick up my phone to talk to you.
That's right, I'm a coward.

I stared out the window, it was already raining.
It has always been raining thoughts of you.
I stirred my coffee again and wrapped my hands around the cup.
It fits so perfectly.
A perfection desired by many, yet always far from getting it.

I took a pen and started to doodle.
The only word that came to my mind, were "Sorry".
I drew a leaf, with a single raindrop dripping down from its edge.
A tear from heavens.
I'm sorry.
If only I was stronger.

I took a sip, and let the warm drink warm my cold aching heart.
I fluttered my eyes shut and pictured you in my mind.
I used to see you smiling.
Now, its just someone upset and crying. .
My heart is shredded into pieces..

I'm sorry.
One day, I'll be strong enough to face you.
And tell you, "I'm sorry"

And maybe, one day, our conversations will be just like before, and without "Sorry".

I left the cafe, and a single napkin on the table.
It was a drawing of you, and the words, "I'm Sorry"

What do you see?
Two roses?
Two wilted roses?
Two wilted roses hanging?
Two wilted roses hanging by the window?
Two wilted roses hanging by the window against the clear skies?

This particular two roses are given by a dear friend of mine because I sent her off to a holiday.
I have seen many friends, none quite like her.
This rose is therefore a precious little red thing to me.
My first roses.

I have asked before, which flowers do I like to receive?
I have replied before. None.
Because if real flowers are given, it will eventually wilt.
If fake flowers are given, it is not sincere enough.

Yet, currently I found myself entrigued by the changing appearance of this rose.
From bright red, to the petals falling out more...slowly edges starts to be tainted with black..and the bright red turns into a royal maroon colour.
Soon, I'll meet a brown rose perhaps.

Eighteen.
For a couple of days.
It would be naïve to claim that I have understand life.
She's right.
Six years have flown, but I still have many pages behind the page I'm writing.
Just like the roses, I'll experience the changes, I may detest it first, who knows I'll be entrigued by the process of it?
And just like the rose, a human is just like a picture.
A thousand and one words to describe.
A person's judgment should never be the reason for your insecurity.

I started out this year wrong without any goal in mind.
It was just mindless drifting, perhaps thinking I can just accept what comes and go.
I was terribly wrong.
In any point of your life, a compass must still be held close to your heart.
Never ever lose yourself.
Because you may never find yourself back.

The very reason I picked up this pen, the reason will be found one day.
Right now, I finally saw the clouds clearing, at least I see something worthy for me to fight for.

Three more papers. Nine days to freedom. Nine days to Thanksgiving. Thirty-three days to my dream. Thirty-six days to Christmas.

twenty thirteen will end well :)

Have a nice day lovely people :)

psst... I am sick :( I wrote this because I was tired from studying :B

Insecurities.

Just Pray.

This world is just a story between two people and their dreams, with occasionally inserted with chapters of romance, comedy and perhaps some action-packed, drama-filled challenges.

That’s one way to describe life.

I'm tired of defining. I'm just blindly mugging hoping to see the light, just like a cave man. Damn.

The consolation, christmas is coming.
And maybe my birthday.. Which I don't find it consoling. I don't wanna grow up.

Not running away, just why bother. Okay back to chem.*cracks neck*

"One large espresso, please."

"There you go sir, that would be..."

He settled himself in a comfy couch by the window, in a corner of the shop. He took up the silver spoon and dipped into his coffee stirring as he pour sugar inside. He continued stirring even after the sugar packet was emptied, he peered around the cafe, it hung black and white pictures framed in metal borders, of various locations, a couple which he has travelled to a couple of times.

He placed the spoon down after lightly tapping to remove most of the coffee. He took a small sip of his coffee, taking a little pause to inhale the freshly brewed coffee before taking some into his mouth.
Bliss.

Christmas was coming. The month of giving. A beautiful month indeed. He has never really celebrated christmas in his years of growing up. He was always busy.
It was tough being poor, christmas was the perfect time to grabbed a couple of jobs. He would earn enough to survive for the following months. Now, he has become a successful man who has time to slurp expensive coffee in the evening.

He smiled at the thought of this and proceed to take another small sip of his coffee.

"I DON'T WANT! CAN'T YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME?" a little girl, not older than seven yelling at her mum. Her young piercing voice definitely caught many customers' attention, well, she has ruined the silence they have been savouring.Her mum looks at loss, she bend down to whisper, fortunately or unfortunately he was good at reading lips, "Keep your voice down, Let's talk about this later, let mummy grab some coffee"

She just wailed.
He cringed his eyebrows into a tight knit. If it was him, he would never escape from a couple of painful spankings.

"Perhaps,..today shall be the night of giving?" he softly mused as he make his way to the little girl.

"Hey.."

She finally lightly stop her cries and stop to look at the stranger.

"Crying makes you less pretty, don't cry.."

"What do you want?!" she grumpily mumbled.

"It's not what I want, I think the problem is what do you want?" he gave a friendly smile. He wished more people did such things he would be so weirdly stared at when he was genuinely thinking of helping.

She pouted, "Mummy wanna bring me out this Christmas."

"Hmm, and how is that making you upset? Ain't it nice?" he lead her to a seat close to her mum who was ordering.

"Well... Kathy invited me to a Christmas party! I have always spend Christmas here, it would be no fun going overseas. Mummy and Daddy always do boring stuff, I want to play with my friends. " she was busily drying her eyes as she pulled of a whine-y tone as she said this.

"And, this little girl is afraid Santa won't pass you presents too." he nudged her playfully.

She stop wiping, and stared straight into his eyes, "Santa ain't real. "

He was surprised, "And..how do you know?"

She shrugged her shoulders, "I just know, Santa has never give me presents even when I was really nice,"she pouted.

He was about to continue, her mum came over, "Honey, who is this?" she eyed suspiciously at him.

He put up his hand to surrender, "Don't worry M'am, I was just being Santa and wanna help this crying angel. "
Her mum smiled and took a seat.

"You're santa?! "

"No, I'm being Santa."

"You are not fat with beards..."

He chuckled, "No, I am not. Being Santa just mean having the spirit of giving, just like Santa. "

"Spirit of Giving? "

"Yeah, You know how people give each other presents during the holidays, say nice words, show a few pretty smiles to strangers. "

"They are all Santa?"

He nodded, "So, like what we were talking about, did you ever think about how Mummy want to take you out as her present for you?"

She stopped, perhaps pondered a little. Thoughts running through her little mind,... she eyed at her mother as she slowly said,"I...don't know. "
Her mum just smiled, "I only thought of going to Kathy's party."

He smiled, "And, wouldn't that be rejecting a present from your mother?"

"But, I didn't want that present."

"Christmas is about giving, not about receiving. Receiving is something pleasant that comes with giving, but the whole spirit is about sharing joy with your loved ones,"

He paused as her little mind took a hold of all this,

"Maybe, mummy want to share this beautiful season with just you. If you have went to the party, you'll play with Kathy and mummy will spend time with her friends. That may not be something mummy wants..."

He eyed at her mum to gain support that he wasn't wrong from the truth, she just beamed and nodded.

"I guess so.."

He chuckled, "So.. Is this angel still upset?"

She kept silent for a while, "No!" she stood up to hug her mum, "I'm sorry mummy, I shouldn't have yelled at you," she planted a kiss on her mum's cheeks.

Her mum smiled, "Its alright darling."
Her gaze focused on him, "Thank you so much"

He nodded, "I'm happy to help"

She smiled, nudging her daughter, "Let's go honey, say thanks and bid farewell to Santa"

She lightly bounce with every step she took and gave him a hug, "Thankyouuuu Santa! "

He brought his free hand across her back to lightly hugged her, "Thankyou too angel,"

They made their way to the door, "Merry Christmas!" he lightly raised his voice.

They both smiled and at the same time, "Merry Christmas to you too!"

He grinned as he stuffed his hands into his pocket and made his way back to his seat. This season is magical.
He took a sip of his coffee, it was cold. But his heart still felt warm.

Christmas, perhaps one does not need to celebrate to understand the spirit of giving.

I am currently on my way to school, riding the same old bus for the umpteen time, there aren't very many more rides on this bus before this habit wears out.

I was walking through the shopping mall that links to the bus interchange, the hanging tinsles, wooden "cottage" decorated with red and green,...Christmas is coming :')

I simply can't wait for my favorite season to arrive, I have been anticipating since last christmas!
And... Two days will be my first paper. Like always, don't think. It'll kill you faster that way.
I trust myself :)

Have a nice day! I must end cause the bus is turning >_<