You know what sucks real bad

That you hurt me before, during and after, right now,
I've cried the whole day for you and you didn't even know.
All these while, I've been thinking what went wrong.
Perhaps it was everything else in this world that pressure you and pushed you down.
And somehow, psychologically it creates a undeniable force that cease any breathing any point of time.
Stupid things that bothered you long enough.
Silly things that had hurt you so bad.
And the things you love, breaking your heart again and again.

that's why, when it all happened.
I took it in.
because, I love you.
I didn't want you to keep it all in.
Sometimes, you wouldn't know, but I took some of your burden and make them mine.
because I love you.
I had always did.
But...
You never knew how much you hurt me with your words.
It took some time for me to turn those words into dust and disappear out of sight and mind.

Then, one day.
It blew.
It blew my top.
I couldn't take it.
I realised. I was taken granted for.
I was a permanent channel.
I didn't mind still.
I never let people I love to not have channels.
Because I've been there done that.
But...
It went overboard.
Fatigue consumed me so bad.
And you would asked why I would work so hard.
For you both, I would replied.
This upcoming dream of mine was something painful for me to do with.
Because, I wouldn't mind skipping ten meals just give you what I had scrimp and save.
Work was so tough that day, and your spite was going up, it was increasing exponentially.


I love you, I really do.
But you know, it was so bad that day, I couldn't hear my breaths at all.
I was consumed by the negativity I had willingly swallowed for you.
I didn't deserve this.
Not when I had just climbed up from a turmoil three weeks back.


I need you to know,
It's hurting me so bad, because I shouldn't have let you vent on me.
But that sentence itself hurts me if I said otherwise.
Now, since yesterday, we have not talked just because of what I had told you.
I just wanted you to stop.
No, just for that day, just stop telling me what I can't do.
Stop telling me I'm wrong.
Stop telling me that no one cares or love me.
They are jokes, they are lies.
But when one goes overboard, do we even doubt the truth of it?
You asked me why did that happened three weeks back.
It was because of overthinking you claimed.
You never knew.
You never knew, you never tried.
You just assumed it was just overthinking.


If I describe myself as the sea I love so much, your every happening was like the tossing of chemicals into my waters.
It was insignificant at first, the majority of my water would have overpowered that little liquid.
But an eventual habits leads to all the life in me dying.
All fishes would overturned and float to the surface.
Any passing by birds would be soaked and drenched and eventually die off.
I never blame you for anything.
I never.
I don't even blame you for what had happened three weeks ago.
It was all on me.
It was so tough, it was so rough.
I swear, without them, all six of them.
I wouldn't have gotten up.

I got it though.
Its my life.
I accept it.
I have always did.
I took responsibilities at a tender age.
I took on a permanent smile.
I wore a permanent impression.

And never, I never knew who I was.
All these years, I can never answer questions like What's your favourite number?
What's your favourite food?
Where do you go when you are happy, or sad?
I never knew.
I spend my life being a perfect being.
I forget that I can be imperfect.


Right now, I'm drained and cried so much.
I just want to sleep.
But I can't because I'm bothered by the fact that we've not spoken.
Why am I always the one that's trying to keep us together.
Why do you have such an ego that you wouldn't accept.
I am hurt either or, just let me talk to you.
Please.
I beg you.