I was just taking a break from studying. It was absolutely draining as I had been working wayyyyyyy over my limits for the past four weeks. It was more than taking a toll on my body, it was driving me insane. Just as I was about to take a sinful break and chill on tumblr. Two women approached me and wanted to introduce bible study to me. It was a pleasant surprise, as in I thought they had wanted to share tables with me, well, I wasn't bothered by that. But to share bible study, I was at first hesitant. I was thinking of the assignments I have to do, and a little concern with what they would share. It has nothing to do with the bible. It has nothing to do with what they will say. It was just a little fear in me in talking to people about such stuff especially. It is a pretty sensitive topic around. But I was already tired from studying, and somehow, this conversation was intriguing and could possibly boost my spirits for a long day today.
And in fact, to my pleasant surprise, it was indeed amazing. I had always believe whoever I met, what ever happens is all in the beauty and name of God's marvellous plans..
I will catch up the story in a bit, as soon as I am free..
Lecture in 50 minutes. Jiayous.
Lab Report due in 5 hours 50 minutes. Jiayous!
That you hurt me before, during and after, right now,
I've cried the whole day for you and you didn't even know.
All these while, I've been thinking what went wrong.
Perhaps it was everything else in this world that pressure you and pushed you down.
And somehow, psychologically it creates a undeniable force that cease any breathing any point of time.
Stupid things that bothered you long enough.
Silly things that had hurt you so bad.
And the things you love, breaking your heart again and again.
that's why, when it all happened.
I took it in.
because, I love you.
I didn't want you to keep it all in.
Sometimes, you wouldn't know, but I took some of your burden and make them mine.
because I love you.
I had always did.
But...
You never knew how much you hurt me with your words.
It took some time for me to turn those words into dust and disappear out of sight and mind.
Then, one day.
It blew.
It blew my top.
I couldn't take it.
I realised. I was taken granted for.
I was a permanent channel.
I didn't mind still.
I never let people I love to not have channels.
Because I've been there done that.
But...
It went overboard.
Fatigue consumed me so bad.
And you would asked why I would work so hard.
For you both, I would replied.
This upcoming dream of mine was something painful for me to do with.
Because, I wouldn't mind skipping ten meals just give you what I had scrimp and save.
Work was so tough that day, and your spite was going up, it was increasing exponentially.
I love you, I really do.
But you know, it was so bad that day, I couldn't hear my breaths at all.
I was consumed by the negativity I had willingly swallowed for you.
I didn't deserve this.
Not when I had just climbed up from a turmoil three weeks back.
I need you to know,
It's hurting me so bad, because I shouldn't have let you vent on me.
But that sentence itself hurts me if I said otherwise.
Now, since yesterday, we have not talked just because of what I had told you.
I just wanted you to stop.
No, just for that day, just stop telling me what I can't do.
Stop telling me I'm wrong.
Stop telling me that no one cares or love me.
They are jokes, they are lies.
But when one goes overboard, do we even doubt the truth of it?
You asked me why did that happened three weeks back.
It was because of overthinking you claimed.
You never knew.
You never knew, you never tried.
You just assumed it was just overthinking.
If I describe myself as the sea I love so much, your every happening was like the tossing of chemicals into my waters.
It was insignificant at first, the majority of my water would have overpowered that little liquid.
But an eventual habits leads to all the life in me dying.
All fishes would overturned and float to the surface.
Any passing by birds would be soaked and drenched and eventually die off.
I never blame you for anything.
I never.
I don't even blame you for what had happened three weeks ago.
It was all on me.
It was so tough, it was so rough.
I swear, without them, all six of them.
I wouldn't have gotten up.
I got it though.
Its my life.
I accept it.
I have always did.
I took responsibilities at a tender age.
I took on a permanent smile.
I wore a permanent impression.
And never, I never knew who I was.
All these years, I can never answer questions like What's your favourite number?
What's your favourite food?
Where do you go when you are happy, or sad?
I never knew.
I spend my life being a perfect being.
I forget that I can be imperfect.
Right now, I'm drained and cried so much.
I just want to sleep.
But I can't because I'm bothered by the fact that we've not spoken.
Why am I always the one that's trying to keep us together.
Why do you have such an ego that you wouldn't accept.
I am hurt either or, just let me talk to you.
Please.
I beg you.
Smile.
He said.
She lowered her head.
He frowned.
Go on, smile. Please.
He probed her.
You're beautiful.
With a slight blushing tint on her cheeks, she let her lips spread into a small smile before facing him.
He chuckled.
That's my girl.
He said.
You can do it.
She yelled.
YOU CAN.
The veins on her neck were showing.
Her little sister still looks frightened.
But her eyes changed.
It wasn't only shrouded by fear.
It had a glimmer of hope.
She flew with the wind, when the whistle was blown.
Sorry.
She mumbled.
He rolled his head backwards.
I... I.. Didn't want to lose you.
She whispered.
He stopped.
He glanced down at her.
He chewed the inside of his lips, and pulled her close by gripping her shoulders.
Let her collide against his chest, and let him give her a hug to let her insecurity fly away.
I won't leave you.
He promised.
A story to tell.
There are seven billion people in this world.
Imagine, seven billion stories to hear, to feel, to see, to understand.
Most of the time, stories are brushed aside, with a person's story outshining the other.
Other times, stories are left unheard, because the author doesn't feel he deserve to be heard.
Some times, stories are hidden, because it was a test to see who deserve them will bother to search for it. All the time, the stories are the pieces of puzzles to fit to a person we met.
If we're lucky, we get to walk through most part of their stories, if not a footprint or two, maybe even more.
Imagine, I have never met you.
I have never heard of your story.
What you say, what you feel, what you hear, I wouldn't know. That's logical.
But from your story... I may understand, I may try to see the picture you paint.
But I've never lived through your story.
People struggled in life, fighting for what they believed and what they think they deserved,.
But when is enough, enough?
When life thrown you across the floors with a single punch, maybe a few or more blows, should you get up? When these don't stop, should you get up?
When people by your side, who had once vowed so earnestly, promising in forever, had left.
Should you let go? Or hang on to them?
And as a wallflower, you'll see snippets of such actions, dramas and life like watching a movie before you. You'll see people crying, screaming, yelling, jumping, cheering, smiling, but not yourself.
You'll see everyone and their life but yours.
Love, isn't putting yourself before others.
Sometimes, its loving yourself, and that could be love.
In ten years, or maybe a good thirty years, if we meet, will we have a tired smile on our faces?
Instead of bidding goodbye, we hang on to those farewell words and promised to meet again.
Because after walking for thirty years, what we once had, was the best that could have ever happened to us. And what we once had, had passed. But right now, in that moment, we still keep looking back, longing for what had gone and past. And in just a couple more moments, we may have missed, that real moment, few minutes ago.
So, now I vow, to peel myself away from being a wallflower and lead the life like I had always wanted.
And there are so many people I have to protect, I can't lead a life blindlessly moping over what I had and never had.
I'll get to you.
Someday.
Once I got off being a wallflower. :)
And I swear, in that moment, we were infinite. :D
There was an ant, by the name of Ann. This Ann the ant was a peculiar little ant, unlike other ants, he actually ponder about living out of the routine. Anne, would berate him for being lazy, and Andy would think of ways to tease him repeatedly. But Ann was just the ant that is different.
"Anne, " Ann asked Anne as they were carrying a small crumb they found on the floor,
"Hmm? " he grunted in response.
"Why do we carry crumbs? "
"Because we have to?" Anne swiftly replied.
"But..But.. It doesn't make sense. Why are we doing this everyday? "
"You asked too much questions, now lean over a little there, you're putting too much pressure on me. " Anne scolded him again.
Later that day, Ann found himself thinking again.
"Andy.. " he asked his playful pal.
"Yes? " He replied with a smirk as he was secretly preparing a mudball to throw at Ann.
"Why can't we live in homes like the giants? Or the birds? "
He sniggered, "Because you're not the giant or the birds. "
Before Ann could reply, Andy threw a mudball at Ann throwing him a few feets away, and Andy was there laughing away.
Ann wasn't bothered by that mudball, more bothered by the question in his head. He carried his tiny feets to the nearest puddle of water to clean himself up.
Before he did, he look at his reflection, "Ann, the ant" he said to himself.
"Ann, the ant... " he repeated again.
His eyes lingered at his reflection, at his antenna, his round head, small eyes, he turned around and glanced at his abdomen. He peeped at his tiny feets.
"Ann, the ant... " he frowned.
" I don't want to be Ann the ant. I want to be more than an ant. "
"Like what? " he heard a strange hoarse voice replying him. He turned around and it was Grandpa Earthworm.
"Like..Like.. " he stammered.
"The giants ... " he thought his eyes were shining at the mention of their names, "or the birds that soar through the skies. " he mumbled.
His tiny stomach was bubbling with glee at the thought of being someone he wasn't.
"Why? " Grandpa Earthworm asked.
Ann frowned. He don't know.
But he has always imagine himself as someone he wasn't.
Some ant that don't just travel great distance everyday to find crumbs. Some ant that don't just linger around to take care of baby ants. Some ant that does something great, apart from his small size, that even the giants or the birds would be jealous of him.
Just, some ant, not like any other ant.
"What's bad being an ant? " Grandpa Earthworm asked.
He was blind, but even Ann knows how wise he was.
Ann pouted. "Ants never get recognition. We clean the forest, we travel great distance, but when a giant see an ant, they would squish us as if we're useless pests. "
Grandpa Earthworm nodded thoughtfully.
Ann took it as a cue to continue.
"And, here we are doing what we do everyday for the past, for don't know how many cookie years since the start of Ant population... Why stick to the routine when we could be different for once. You know, "Ann grew excited, "Like creating a house that giants, birds and ants could live in. Or... A special device that finds all the food we wants. Or create some form of entertainment that will coo the crying baby ants. " Ann didn't realised how excited he has gotten. He bowed his head down in embarrassment as he faced Grandpa Earthworm.
"I like it. "
Grandpa Earthworm firmly replied, as he slithered through the mud, closer to Ann.
"I like it, " he repeated while nodding his head.
"That's some great dreams for a small ant like you. "
(I never got to finish the ending. )
I just tried some birthday thingy, I got moon bear.
Its the middle of the night, One, thirty-six am.
I woke up with cold sweat and a hurried pulse.
I wonder how did I dropped into this.
Was it cause of repeated negativity?
I wanna get out.
Really.
I always find myself burdening others.
Little acts that remind me I shouldn't be doing this.
Yet, I m always succumbed to it when it happens.
Going crazy.
Today is sunday.
Tomorrow is monday.
The day after is Tuesday.
That's should be the wway.
Unfortunately, it isn't.
Crazily scared, but trying not to think.
What do you call this? avoiding?
I live in a world of fantasy to keep me alive :)
BECAUSE, I believe the good in everything :)
Thank You God for everything. :)
what breaks a belief?
The mere existence of distrust & betrayal?
All my life, I build my dreams based on beliefs, now every thing feels so gloomy.
Her grace has brought me back to the right path, I'm ever grateful.
But... what's wrong?
I... don't know why things just bugged me like this.
Sleepless nights and eventually deteriorating body, is that an eventual consequence?
I wanna smile so badly.
Yet I wanna cry so much.
What's this when I'm barely facing anything tough in my life..?
Less than 10 days to the revelation.
I don't wanna let that day come.
I wanna be coop up, and believe.
just, is this believe going to break like the others?
A dream.
Remains as a dream.
unless
action is taken into the dream.
Long Ago, I live by the rules that Dreams are only meant for sleeping.
Any other dreams, apart from sleeping dreams have to be fight for.
And.. well I had the courage to dream.
Never letting them fly higher than dreams, never into the world of reality.
Dreams.
They still have been useless bubbles occupying bits of spaces in my brain, neveer leaving and appearing in my life.
sometimes, I wonder
What would happen if these rules fail to appear.
Or. I fail to comply.
Would I have been like this?
i am still struggling to find out what has happen.
i guess, this is the transitional phase where I realised, who I am has been long buried, and what I am now, is the creation of the society.
It is either I be contented with this plastic mask the society has forced me on with, or I go through a revolution to peel off this mask and create mine.
I am so utterly confused and frustrated, I am not sure what to do.
I have some real nice friends that stood by me.
But my brain screams, they don't understand.
Just.. I don't care if they understand.
My plan was to, isolate myself, and calm my nerves, and create a better me.
I can't.
Life doesn't allow me to isolate myself.
What can I do?
I feel so strangled in the air, wiggling my legs, and.. well, neither close to the skies, or down on the ground. What reality is this? :(
I should, find a day to cleanse my mind.
In hope, for a better me.
Perhaps then.. I can say I am well again.
Bearable.
Now imagine being engulfed by the ocean.
Even if you manage to stay afloat and struggle out from the drowning waters.
What have you become?
The man who stood there running for his dreams might be so tired from all that fighting and struggling and would much better be seen lazing and surviving on the minimum.
Who cares about dream.
Screw this world for all the rules I've been living by.
Its so stupid that I spend so much time complying to these annoying boundaries, and in the end, what I become of is just a coward that remains in that boundaries.
" Be that good girl you always have to be"
That one line from Let it Go in Frozen movie hit me so much.
Yes..
I always have to be that good girl.
I don't even think I'm good natured.
But I have to.
Words have so much weight that people don't realise at all.
" Why can't you get this? "
It isn't a question asking, but a big slap across your face that you are dumb.
" You should have known better "
Is absolutely emphasising how dumb you were to not be doing the right thing.
You ought to know, they claimed, are you dumb?, in other words.
" I am disappointed in you. "
It is the most often use phrase and yet the least understood one.
It's not a mere disappointment on a person.
It's throwing stones at them, venting your disappointment at them.
Screwing them up.
Giving them burden.
Letting them trap in that expectations you have on them.
And let you drown in people's expectations and rules.
Just cause you're the oldest, you have to make the best decision.
You can't whine.
You can't pout.
You can't cry.
Just cause you're the youngest, you have to listen to the oldest.
You can't defy
You only can listen.
You can't even voice out your points.
Because you're too young and you don't know anything.
That's life my friend.
And screw that.
Two freaking weeks to reality.
And guess what, everyone is pouring water on me.
Look..
I'm okay with getting drenched.
But ain't it my life?
Even if I decided to live by through cleaning the streets.
I don't even bother you one bit.
I AM EFFING TIRED.
Of letting shit thrown on me.
I realised this.
And I have this personality.
Just because.
I live by rules.
Never trouble anyone.
Be independent.
Always be considerate.
And guess what, its completely fine to have people ditching you.
And yet my systems screams guilt when I am away from my phone for five minutes.
And empowerment.
Just cause I have acquired higher education.
I AM SUPPOSED, to help.
Just cause I am not sick and dying.
I AM SUPPOSED, to help.
Just cause i am no longer studying
I AM SUPPOSED, to be more free.
Just cause I kept quiet.
I AM SUPPOSED, to be alright to continue throwing shit at me.
Do I need a revolution, some uprising to get things straight.
I wanna escape.
I wanna run.
I wanna hide.
I wanna get out of this stupid rules that stupid humans set up.
I am crying inside all the time.
But I just put on a smile.
Because.. I don't want anyone to worry.
I can' t let anyone worry.
I am supposed to be mature.
To make sound decisions.
Including.. be silent about my woes and pain.
I admit.
What I face in life is small.
Its barely a prick of the needle.
But.. its suffocating.
Pursing fanfic writing was a dream come true.
It was amazing to me how much people I've reached out.
How much I have changed.
How much I could do
How much I could impact.
But...
Its wrong.
Why..
Because it doesn't benefit my future.
Being crazy in kpop.
It was an escape.
Twice in my life..
Helping me get through when no one could hear me.
I swear.
It felt like an effective drug.
But now...
I have to stop.
Why.
Because what's the point in living in fantasy.
They don't even know who I am.
They don't even care about me, if I am sick or whatsoever.
You're right.
But why are humans so superficial.
Don't eat hawker food.
Why?
Cause its unhealthy.
BUT EVERYTHING ELSE YOU EAT PRETTY MUCH GIVE YOU CANCER.
Don't try to do art.
Why?
Its hard to find a job.
BUT UNEMPLOYMENT RATE DOESN'T ONLY INCLUDE PEOPLE IN ART INDUSTRY.
Don't cry.
Why?
Because its weak.
And.. I have never find a better way to end this.
So I'm not the kind to cry.
I won't lie.
I'm scared.
I am so overwhelmed by the future.
How that one day is going to affect thirty years of my life.
I believe in God.
I believe it will hit me just like this job.
But I'm tired of those stupid people bothering me.
I am happy.
I am not happy taking your shit.
Be it you know or not.
I just need time.
Two weeks, promise yourself Shermain.
Stand up afterwards.
It's the Year of The Horse, they said..
Apparently, its the wooden horse.
And... as we approach the second celebration for a new year..
As usual.. I am reading the daily events like reading newspaper.
I took up the collection I kept years ago.. and flipped through that flimsy piece of papers...
I guess we have all forgotten how it used to be.
Funny, we used to see life as a passing cloud.
It was how we called time.
We never thought much about the future, the past, or the present.
We only, feel that moment.
His golden words were feel.
And... as a writer, I find myself drowning the everyday movies I watch everyday.
I am living my life as a viewer, a movie goer.
It was never as a writer of my story.
And when you still do the strumming of the guitar strings like you used to..
And let your thoughts float with the wind, we would see...
That, that moment we used to feel fear.. feel loved.. feel anger.. feel sad.
They are nothing more than memories.
And memories are golden, only when they remain as honey in your drink.
And feelings are nothing, only when they lead you to be stranded in them.
Often, one doesn't move when they fear.
They don't love when they are angry.
They don't cry when they are loved.
And they don't laugh when they are sad.
It's like painting a picture, and unable to play the piano.
You can't get best of both worlds.
I always see life as painting.
It is like creating a beach.
An artwork of yours.
It feels like you, you are the person to create the story you want in the end.
And... maybe destiny isn't as fated as what they say.
Courage is more than just a seven-lettered word.
It's like screaming, stand up, go ahead and prove them wrong. Go ahead.
Humans are extraordinary.
They create so many stuff..
Systems..
Languages...
Culture.
But what matter more, was creating themselves.
A man of his own words.
A man of steel.
A man of compassion.
Why have we forgotten?
One only envy when they don't have what they have.
Sometimes all we need is twenty seconds of crazy courage to create the man we want to be..
We all want to be part of this community.
Someone that makes a difference.
And.. most of the time.. we give up before we try.
Because, its not easy.
It was never easy.
But that;s what makes it worthy.
At the end of the day, death is inevitable.
But who are you... to begin with, after you have left this world?
Mindless quarrels are useless after ten years.
Tears sobbing for a guy who left you is useless after ten years.
And jealousy, or other sinful feelings... are useless after ten years.
What would matter is that personality you have moulded through the years..
Its the year of the horse.
I am picturing.. a man.. carving out a horse from a wooden block.
It's the first day of new year..
He had only let his fresh carving knife touch the wooden block.
At the end of the year...
Will it be a horse running...
A horse sleeping...
Or a horse crying...
We never know.
All I know, is that in this moment. I feel blessed.
Happy New Year. :)